Grandma sits on a chair in the middle of her room
looking at the stars,
wondering why it's been so long
(and since what)
and why she can't remember-
while looking at the stars, she thinks,
'how did I get here? And where will I go?
How can I be so old and still not know?'

Some passed before her and some still write,
some of them in ancient tongues,
wondering how it's been so long
(and since what)
and why they can't remember-
while looking at the stars, they think,
'how did we get here? and where will we go?
How can we be so old and still not know?'

Sometimes she calls me Ilona
Sometimes she wonders where Becky is
sometimes she calls me Ilona

Grandma sits in a chair in the middle of her room

***

Wait for it now, for your turn, I brought you ointment for your burn
(too much fun in the sun could kill someone!)
Run little magpie, run run run,
you got kissed by the lip of his gun,
red ribbon cut on a new freedom...
Black raven on a fence, taken for a crow
you let your hair grow and the wind blows

Wait for it now, for your turn, you didn't win but you can learn
too much fun in the sun- ...
Sit little birdie, stay some more,
chairs squeak on the kitchen floor
windows open for you just for fun.
Black raven on a fence taken for a crow,
you let your hair grow and the wind blows.

Page after page I begin to understand you,
and night after night patience is a virtue,
and year after year we all become clear and see through,
wait for it now, for your turn.

***

It's daddy's fault, it's mommy's fault - no it's all our own damn fault.
Sister married, ma got sent away, we looked around, one of us had to stay.
"Your shirt's too small, your shirt's too small, your shirt's too small-
for the love of God stand tall! And stick it to the man."
Well it's a lot to ask, it's a lot to ask, it's a lot to ask from one young burnt out girl
who's doing all she can.
So I rode off into nothing and it became pretty all right.

I tried, he didn't remember. I tried, he said it didn't happen,
and over time, I wonder if it's true, but I just can't bring myself to ask you.
"You work too much", he says, "you work too much. You work too much.
Come home and make me lunch! Come on home.
You're not around enough, you're not around enough, you're not around enough-"
"Hey I'm just doing what I can! Trying to stick it to the man."
So I rode off into nothing, and it became me,
and I know if I had to return papa I could, but right now everything's good-
but don't get used to it, or you'll forget how to fight.
Don't get used to it, or you'll forget how to fight.

***

How wonderful, how wonderful, would it be to be
Buried hand over hand when the moon's quarter to three
in the shadow of my favourite tree.
How wonderful, how wonderful- my sins have been forgiven!
I didn't die by my own hand, my sins have been forgiven,
they lay now on the burdened son that's got to go on livin.

How wonderful, how wonderful, never meant for a classy ride
don't throw me in a satin box or throw money at goodbyes,
I'd rather go just how I came,
quite surprised not a thing to my name,
caught in the middle of whatever game I was playin.

How wonderful, how wonderful would it be to be
Buried hand over hand when the moon's quarter to three
in the shadow of my favourite tree-
in the shadow patiently.

Who are you?

Who am I? I serve your coffee. Yeah we've all done it. I say it first but I concede it.

Who am I? I'm a musician. But you don't know me.

I go to school for forestry but I'm not a forester and I'm not a student.

The family unit is not nuclear. Rob Ford is unfordtunate.

Steven Harper is terrifying. If you have to ask why, you probably won't get it.

Your pass in won't keep you the night. Your free drink only buys you some time.

You see the sun but can you see the light?

You work with wood, you work with strings, you work with your mind,

you're all right.

You work with your money,

I'm not sure I get you.

While we're being honest, I like my cat. She loves to hunt, and she loves the pets.

Now that I've reduced the most lethal animal to hunting socks I can relax.

Do you love your life?

elizabeth

elizabeth put on her moon-walking boots when her eyes lit up and wrapped around the moon! (she became the moon)
and i stripped down to nakedness in the middle of nowhere, I felt the urge to do it and I kind of liked it, too.
the slow body of a leaf gave its knowledge to me,
said 'it's getting cold, time to clothe up or die!
but just know that this planet circles and
will close in on the sun again
in the spring, elizabeth, the sunshine and I.

the darting contact at the counter is misleading.
i know this is a quick one, but we are all human!
we all deserve respect, the server and the one served
by I and the sunshine and elizabeth.

the right side of our minds fell in love and accepted what it was-
a lack of boundary between body and mine.
is it not the goal of souls? we are so beautiful, oh so beautiful-
the grind of every day, the facts at night that keep me awake
are misunderstandings that just wait to take the lives lovingly made
and i can't believe in evil but sometimes it seems that way.
what does this mean? if i am everything, then evil lives in me-

all of these disparities drowned in cloudy coffee
avoided eye contact at the cash
cause i am you and it hurts to see yourself this way
or you look hard! cause i am you and we are everything
namaste
we are we, are not alone

All songs. New songs, nameless songs, songs songs songs.

If the black hole targets me again, I'm not human!
And if I'm anonymously ominous to him it's cause I'm not human!
In the snake pipes underneath the drains I'm flowing with the rains.
If I was light through your window at night I would fall on you and watch you change
into a magical cartwheeling radical, the kind I found under bathroom light,
and under blankets where the snake queen of snake dreams makes sounds
like fur
rubbing boxes at night...

If the black hole targets me again, it's cause a star died
and if I'm anonymously ominous to him, it's cause I know why...
On sticky counters, every pound of hers makes a difference to me,
and in the orchards the moonlight makes shadows on her thoughts about me.
One breath of smoke goes and covers up the apples (the fruits from the tree)
The silver light makes tinfoil out of cold snow and the ice looks like mirrors from the sea
But just a shadow I be...

T T cha cha

***

I'll sit alone in the corner, three steps away from the border, I'll give you bread and water if you pretend to be my brother.
How long is this life? How long does it take to build a home out of sticks and stones/shoes by the door? Is it fertile, will it grow, will the lights turn out when we dam the flow?
Is it fertile, will it grow, or will it wilt by the cold window?
I'll sit alone in the corner, three steps away from the border, I'll give you bread and water if you pretend to be my brother.
We make rhythms, we keep time with the chopping block, and nails and tar. When we're done building, how long will we stay until we're blown to another place?
When the city opens arms, my brother's blood is not mine but all of our bodies beat in time.

***
Can't you see over that hill baby? My feet don't stop pounding blood from rock, making pavement out of mountaintop.
Can't you see over that bridge baby? It's where I pound to, it's where I plead relentlessly to be tossed into the stream, relentlessly, to be cast into the sea eventually.
Can't you see, there's no rock baby? If we see colour we're crazy. If we see light? Hallucinating. If we see clearly it's nothing.
But the sun wraps round the belly of the earth til' the grass and birds cry out while giving birth,
and time wraps blankets around you and I so we don't get hypothermia and die,
if you lose yours I'll share mine!
Can't you see over that hill, baby? Ain't it beautiful? Won't you come with me?
Water clean enough to breathe, air clear enough to see starfields...

***

In the spring there's nothing between soft feet and mossy bear droppings,
and in the night there's nothing between the dark and me and my family.

Fifty hours of work inside the bricks with the sinks.
I step on the bug, I flick off the butt, I save the rest cause they'll all be home when I come home,
and they'll be waiting for me to show them what I brought them when I come out of the woods and it'd better be good.
Fifty hours of work- I'm smiling in your coffee, settling for your spare change. This is me older and afraid cause they'll all be home when I come home.

When you're outside lost, it's so easy - you just look out and see the lake.
You look down to it, follow it, swim through it (the land and the lake)
and in the forest there are enough trees to burn forever so you're never cold,
and in the dead of winter the ice auger brings you water so you never thirst,
and in the spring there's nothing between soft feet and mossy bear droppings,
and in the night there's nothing between the dark and me and my family.

***

We built this house in the winter,
slush from our shoes was our main source of water.
We did great things here
Rolled naked in the snow on new year's eve here!
We built this house in the winter,
you clambored raving through the windows-
watched the sun set through a cloud of smoke.
You fought the silence until it finally overcame us,
and when you said that you were a falling leaf in the living room, I believed you.

We built this house in the springtime morning,
I climbed up bruised from the cold floor,
beside the yellow couch where you slept
(where we maintained our surveilled alone-ness).
And when you said that you were a falling leaf in the living room, I believed you.

***
I scratched your name out of my phonebook, messages from my memory, put your name on the list of things bad for me, then I stayed up all night listening to your songs, learning the ones that you told me reminded you of me. I became you and needed some answers. I stayed up all night because it bothered me.
My actions will surely betray me. You're coloured and fascinating. Our silence is a burden. Actions betray that I am uncertain of this that I know won't fail me. Actions betray that I'm uncertain. I dislike the burn but I love the sunshine that I know you are.

***
What would you say son? If the work was all done?
Who would you run to, who would you run with, who would you run from?
If the clouds move away will you still smoke?
If you get paid every week will you still worry?
If the roads are all unpaved will you still drive?
If you have everything you need, will you still buy more?
Will you continue to speak when you're done saying what you're saying?
Will you continue to eat when you're full up?

What would you say, son? As the universe grows, our relative knowledge slows down, our perceptions fade, weaker than the eyes that tell us to change our ways (no! I will not go!). It's safer sitting on this shrinking pile of golden change, golden change. Forty-two hour night days go by, grey and white - the sky gives rain and shadows, and years grow deeper and taller than all of my best friends, and I and them. We are older than each other, we are divided and conquered.

I went down to Nora's house, high on caffeine, cigarettes and beer and we'd drank too much.
I went down to Nora's house, high on caffeine, cigarettes and beer and weed. Drank too much.
What would you say?

Questionable?

In this business of sadness nothing matters more than anything else.
It's all laid out and clean, nothing phallic or obscene, or malicious.
Don't feed me your agenda, please! Just be honest
so it's all laid out and clean, nothing phallic or obscene
we're all alone together, having quite a time together.

No children in the apartments (no rug-burned knees or carpets)
cause hardwood floors are tough for birthin' (besides, they all come out as serpents).
We move around from water to water, smoking makes the time move faster.
It's all laid out and clean , nothing phallic or obscene.

We're all alone together,
having quite a time together.

I'm sitting on the rooftop and I never see anyone look up or slow down.
Guess it's easier to follow the lines on the ground.
When I look up I get dizzy from wondering
so eye level please; just be honest


It's all laid out and clean, nothing phallic or obscene.

Room reverb

Today I befriended time.
Let it pass over me all day.
I watched the sun rise from my east-facing window and then watched its reflection set in the buildings downtown. I am underwater singing like a whale.

The air in the nighttime is heavy
with silence at first, then with beating of hearts; with whispers of breath released from the trees and the Yes to the breath of life from the death of dark
and I am underwater singing like a whale. The captain of the chaos squad is dancing in my mind
with euphemistic violent petty crimes, rocket ships
and land mines.

Today I befriended time
I sat in my room all day,
and I have thoughts to burn,
I have things to say.
I am underwater singing like a whale.

Ex-expectations include abundant food

If I wanted to leave now, would it be to my advantage?
Can't tell the on ramp from the dead end.

We’re experiencing some mechanical failure
Ten seconds from exploding on the freeway
But I don't know much about it, so let’s go on our way.
Let’s go on this way.

If I wanted to leave now, would it be to your advantage?
After all I am a maze, my path is winding
And turning upon itself to eat its own tail
It eats its own open mouth, its own words
Until there is nothing left to say, but it goes on some way.
We'll go on some way.

When you leave, if you leave, will it be to our advantage?
Not much that we do looks good on paper,
But it’s going round lately that print is out of style
Since now we know that paper news, it just gets burned
Until no one left remembers and we go on the same way.
And get away with it
The same way
We got away with it
In the first place
Yeah we’re all winners
All in first place.

Apples pinapples Curry potatos

We speak sixteen languages at home/ we love our many animals/ travel light drink coffee slow
Travel light drink coffee slow

We cram the concrete riverbed/ with cans of beer and blue and red/ pamphlets that fall from our hands
Messing with the city plans

The rain is pittering on my window
Pit pit pit pit pit pit pit pit you know
I remember when I was a kid
Streaming on the windshield, wipers go flick flick flick
At night the lights blur and go dreamy
Thunder makes us hide between the seats
Dad still drives seventy miles an hour
But no way we'll ever outrun this heat

The rain is pittering on my window
That means the river will be high
Sometimes I go down to the end of it
Sometimes I like to go at night
The concrete river in the city
Ends in a concrete waterfall
I lay there and pretend/ That I am in/ the mountains/ and not here serving coffee to you all
I find peace there

When the seeds are sewn and the sun is set/ and I'm lying in his tiny bed/ and I touch my finger to his head
Touch him with my eyes open
Touch him with the blinds open

The rain is pittering on my window
Pit pit pit pit pit pit pit pit you know
Tapping like a voyeur in the night
Who knew that dark could be so bright
Streetlights light up the lines that draw his face
No one looks up so we are safe
And for a minute I don't have to pretend
I'm at the river again I am on the mountain
Swimming in water again

The Taming of the Plesiosaurus

plesiosaurus looks for the appropriate mode of travel.

the snowmobile should do.

we find the plesiosaurus and attempt to domesticate him. we succeed.

creating evolution? evolving creativity?

So the story goes thusly: God made the earth in six days, made man out of dust in his image, made woman out of man, made the animals and plants that populate the earth. Is evolution biblically possible? Of course! Creationism can be reconciled with Darwin's theory if one realizes that God-days are probably much longer than people-days. Evolution's practically in the bible if you read between the lines. The dust was space dust that combined with gases and eventually water to become the unicellular organism that, through natural selection, became human. Pretty cool. I'm pretty sure that the rib/Eve thing was a metaphor.

The problem I have with strict atheism is that we can explain a godless universe up to the big bang. Where did the big bang come from? Where did that come from? Where did the thing before that come from?

Obviously there are probably answers. We may even get to them eventually. Not too long ago, the earth was indisputably flat, now it's indisputably round. Is creation incredible? Yes! Is there a god? Is there only one? Was our universe created by an exploding bullet fired in a god-level turf war? Maybe there is a god. Maybe there isn't, but I'm not going to entertain the inconsequential question of who created life. All I know is that I'm living it.

I suppose many political regimes would have their platforms made legitimate if the presence of a deity was made fact. Having faith in a legend or myth does not make it fact. How many people argue that they are religious because they were brought up that way? If someone is told that the stars are the souls of the dead over and over again from birth, of course they'll believe it, but repeating something over and over doesn't make it fact (or shouldn't, I believe). To prove whether or not stars are really the souls of the dead, one has to go to a star and run tests on it. If it's a ball of particles and gases the experimenter will get burnt to a crisp and die. If it's a soul, they may turn inside out or something. Another theory on what would happen if humankind did encounter a big shiny soul in the sky comes from Kelvin: "we'd merge and become a single consciousness, then travel to the next star. Once we've gathered all the souls together, we'd have achieved the apex of humanity, as we'd have no barriers between all of us. Everything would be open and free."

I can see this mechanism happening and I'm still on earth. A cute sub-theory branching from this theory would be that stars live on earth as sparkly little balls of fire within each and every one of us.

It may be comforting to believe that there is a god but debating in circles and trying to prove it is not productive. Acknowledging that there may or may not be a god, getting past it, and learning about ourselves, each other and our environment should be our first priority.

Evolution is amazing, a society that allows open discourses on religion is amazing. The implications of the globalization of scientific knowledge are amazing. Life is amazing no matter where it came from and it shouldn't be wasted writing blogs about wasting away life questioning theism.

It's cold and ah um diamonds lay

everywhere

and I'm too cold to go harvest them

and I'm too cold to bother

It's cold and, ah, um diamonds shovelled off the driveway

so you could get your car in yes

I live for your family

It's cold and ah, um, I walk through diamonds, I feel rich

and so full, drunk and eating leftover pizza

with my hands full of diamonds,

and my dog wants more...

and my cat's running around the house, she, always goes crazy at midnight, she,

always goes crazy at midnight, she,

kind of like my friends i keep

asleep for them but record make

every word in case of mistake

im there a silent bystander

drenched in diamonds, clothed in fir

Procrastination = bad, bad bad.

1. if you let the egg bake too long, it will burn and the teflon will come onto it
2. if you wait until spring to build the snow fort, you can't
3. if you are in the washroom until the song is over, the person you were going to dance with will be sad and you will experience heartache

im finally done work, but not until taylor's off too. so we walk to the back together bitching about head management and opportunities and the like. i grab my bike and she calls a cab and we part ways. "i'll talk to you on msn later!" "yeah, so be there!" roll eyes, ride my bike away into the cold night. ive got my fuzzy hunting hat with the earflaps and like three sweaters on. and gloves. i can see my breath but i'm not too cold. i don't have to stop for anyone since it's 11pm at night on a sunday. i ride through the crunchy snow and ice onto the trail that follows the creek. it's faster and quieter.

then i see the beast
i know why we call it a deer
so natural and quiet
but how can this creature exist in a word?
and when it looks at me i feel wrong but so lucky
it lets me get so close
and doesn't run away but just walks
it needs the grass and i'm not dangerous
somehow it knows.
i take pictures on my cellphone but they might as well be UFO sightings
it could be a dog, but i'll know it's not.

and suddenly
the world is so much bigger.
i emerge from the path by the river onto a six-lane road, brightly lit-
but empty and cold
and all i hear is the air in my tires
and some clinking that tells me my bicycle's old.
the leaves that so recently sheltered the landscape
from largeness have fallen and i see the fields
(and i just saw the deer)
and suddenly i could be in peterborough or something
and brampton is placed
the whole GTA is placed
in Canada, on the land
the only boundaries are bus lines.

so i am so quiet
and my ears are so open
when a strange-looking space age car drowns me out
and so the world is unhuman

and i am alone

no one else dares face the cold

or the mystical beasts
that feast by the river.

I'm getting anxious.

My feet are getting vibrations from somewhere else.

I thought I'd be content to sow some roots

do what I have to do

but I miss it.

Origami Bird

I'm not afraid to fall apart, cause I think it's plain to see we've got the biggest hearts in the whole world.

There's a rumbling, a car in my driveway, they're keeping it running but I'm not ready, the winter is changing. The winter is changing. There used to be snow but it seems to be raining- the ice it is melting but it's getting colder, our lives are cut shorter as we get older, we still have hundreds of years, but I am not without my fears, so you can count on me never to pretend. I think with my heart and feel with my hands,

cause I'm not afraid to fall apart, I think it's plain to see we've got the biggest hearts in the whole world.

Oh it's a trick, it's unfortunate that our light's separated by miles and the topography is crossable but not without money. Only time can bring you home, and I'm never alone, you're never alone - but how many tomorrows, how many days are there left in this little place? I found you and I did not pretend though I'm unsure if I'll find you again,

but I'm not afraid to fall apart, cause I think it's plain to see we've got the biggest hearts in the whole world.

Oh my heart will turn

to an origami bird

and follow your plane

but my body will stay.

My heart will turn

to an origami bird

and follow your plane

but my body will stay.

Same moon, same stars, same sun, same cars,

and I have no regrets, I felt your beat in my chest-

same moon, same stars, same sun, same cars,

and I have no regrets, I felt your beat in my chest.

bad days

and if reality is silence,

and if truth is sadness,

and being is anonymous,

then i am having a bad day.
*

seeing through it, or not seeing it?

closed eyes-closed arms-
a tourist town.
people walk, walk-walking, cavorting around.

I have weight. baggage. crumbling knees. stand beside me please!
but close eyes. close arms.
don't see. don't touch.
there's a secret a-blowing that no one does much
around here, in this bustling, tourist town,
potential,
dormant,
lies underground.

this isn't me.
this isn't true!
I am in a city but belong in, belong in,

must search for- an artificial home for the time being but I
WILL NOT
SETTLE
for artificial love.
*

first day of university.

birds of feather-
popped collar, puffed feather-
proliferate this room,
and i am not compelled to move.
i see from where i am
dimorphism of man.
with speculative hands,
i wave it all in two.


flocks of birds of feather gathering and pecking,
pigeons on the sidewalk; pigeon girls all strut in circles.
contrast this with the heron
you never see in the building (trapped within four concrete walls)-
except when baited with promised pond.



oh look! a bird of feather
popped collar, lofty plume,
is charming that side of the room
but i am not compelled to move.
watch how all the others move!
and how i'm quiet,
and how i'm still.
watch how they proliferate the room!
my feathers grey-
or are they blue?

yeah this place is so watered down, no wonder it's called the flower city,
and there's nothin' to do when i walk around, but oh it looks so pretty!

last night i dreamt that i got shot,
what once was then, well now it's not,
and everything i carried dropped,
made puddles on the wet sidewalk.
last night i dreamt that i got shot,
what once was then, well now it's not
and everything i carried dropped,
made puddles on the wet sidewalk-
**

shoop shoop de lang
a bit of tea oolong
a little clang clang
a little singy song

the night will soon be gone
time for a morning poem
the buzzing wasp above my head
is looking for a home